If Only
by SVUPOSTS
Summary: The unthinkable happens when one of the cherished detectives of the Special Victims Unit is faced with an untimely death. Secrets come out, the initial events of the death unravel, and one secret is hidden from everyone. Will it tear the detectives apart or bring them closer together? * ALL RIGHTS BELONG TO DICK WOLF * ** I WILL BE UPDATING AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE ** Enjoy :)
1. Chapter 1

Cragen had tears in his eyes. He was shaking as he placed the phone back on the receiver. He went out into the squad room and asked his detectives to come into the office. Amaro came in, followed by Rollins, Munch, and Fin.

"What is it Cap?" Fin said, confused at the sudden team meeting. When he realized the captain was crying, he was even more concerned.

"You better sit down before I tell you this." The captain said gesturing towards the couches he had in his office.

What could it be that it was this bad? They had never seen the captain cry, not even munch and he had been there the longest.

The captain tried to speak and tears replaced his words. He couldn't form a sentence, he was crying so hard. When Fin realized how hard he was crying he couldn't help but think the worst. He had wondered why she wasn't at work today bit he figured she would just be late. He never thought that this could happen.

"Cap… It's not-"He tried saying but he couldn't come to say it.

When Rollins realized what he was about to say she broke down in tears. She knew it was about Olivia, she just didn't know what had happened that got the captain so broken down. It could only mean one thing.

"Cap, its Liv, isn't it? What happened to her?" Rollins said, trying not to hit a nerve.

"There's no easy way to say this…" He said, tears still running down his face.

They all sat there in shock. He didn't have to say it for everyone to know what he was going to say.

"No, not my baby girl…" Fin said, leaning over to put his face in his hands while he cried. Munch sat there not even trying to hold back the tears. There was no use; he knew he would lose that battle.

Rollins asked the one question she knew no one would ask, "How?"

"She was on her way to work and she was run off the road. They ruled it an accident." Cragen said, not seeming to agree with the verdict.

"I can't believe this is actually happening. She didn't deserve to die like this." Amaro said, mimicking Fin's position.

Munch asked the question everyone wanted to know the answer to. "Who's going to tell Elliot?"

Cragen replied, "I was hoping you and Fin could do it because you two worked with him."

"I'm going to go and talk to him now. I think he would want to plan the funeral arrangements and stuff. He was her best friend, even though they didn't stay in touch." Fin said, getting up and leaving the room, Munch following close behind.

Rollins and Amaro stayed in the office for a few minutes, telling stories about Olivia and how great of a person she was. They were laughing a little but immediately went back to crying when they reached the realization that she was dead.

*Elliot's Apartment*

He heard a subtle knock on the door. He wasn't expecting anyone so he was a bit confused. When he opened the door and saw that it was Munch and Fin, a smile crossed his face. When he realized that Olivia wasn't with them, his expression changed to a saddened look.

"What are you guys doing here?" He tried to say, covering up his disappointment.

"We have some really bad news." Fin said, trying to hold himself together.

"What is it? Is it Olivia?" He said suddenly getting really worried. Why would they come to tell him something, in person, that didn't involve Olivia? They knew he loved her so they tried to keep him in the loop, even though she had shut him out completely after he left.

"Elliot, I'm sorry I'm the one that has to tell you this…" Munch said trailing off, trying to hold back the tears. "Olivia was in a car accident this morning. She was on her way to work and she was run off the road." Fin said trying to ease into telling him the she had died.

"What hospital is she at? I want to go visit her." He said, standing up and heading toward the door.

"She's not." Fin said, grabbing Elliot and turning him to face him. "I'm sorry."

"No. No. No. No. No. NO! This can't be happening! She wasn't supposed to die like this!" He said falling to the floor and bringing his knees to meet his chest as the tears fell in a steady stream down his face. "I should've told her how I felt about her. Everyone else knew, but I didn't have the balls to tell her and now she will never know."

Fin sat down beside him and put a hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him. After a few minutes Elliot got up and headed towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Munch and Fin said at almost the exact same time.

"I have to tell my kids." He said as he walked out the door and got into his car. Before they knew it, he had driven away.

*Maureen's apartment*

Elliot had called Maureen and told her that he had something he needed to tell her and the rest of the kids. She said they were all at her apartment, so he could tell them while they were all there.

When he reached the apartment he saw Maureen, Kathleen, Dickie, and Lizzie's cars all parked in front of the house. He knew Eli was there because he had been living with Maureen ever since his ex-wife went crazy and left them.

He went up and knocked on the door. Kathleen answered it, "Hey Dad. What's up?"

"Hey guys, I have some really bad news." He said, as he started to fight the tears. All his children noticed that he was upset, so they waited for him to tell them what was going on, without saying anything.

"Today there was a really bad car accident." He said trying to stall as long as he could from telling them what had really happened.

"Oh, yeah! I saw it on the news. They said a detective died and…" Lizzie trailed off as she realized what she had said. "No dad. It wasn't… Olivia, right?" She said, as she watched the tears form in her father's eyes, as the tears formed in her own. When her father started crying they knew.

"No, daddy. No, it can't be her. I talked to her this morning about babysitting Eli tonight." Maureen aid, as she started to cry. Despite the fact she cut him out, she maintained a strong relationship with his children. She was more of a mother to them than Kathy ever was.

"I'm sorry, Mo." He said, as he went up and hugged his daughter. She sobbed into his shoulder. Kathleen held Eli, trying to comfort him as they were both crying. Lizzie and Dickie sat next to each other on the couch. Lizzie was crying into Dickie's shoulder. He was trying to be strong for everyone but he couldn't hold them in anymore. The tears started falling down his face too.

Olivia Benson was actually dead.

**** I hope you guys like the first chapter. I have a lot planned out in my head for what's going to happen next. Watch for updates because this story is going to be a good one! ****


	2. Chapter 2

It had been 4 days since they got the news of Olivia's death. Elliot had planned the funeral arrangements with the help of his daughters, Kathleen and Maureen.

The funeral's tonight. He had gotten the word out to her brother, co-workers, and friends. He wanted there to be as many people as possible because she deserved it. A couple of the victims she had worked with heard about her death and called Elliot asking about the funeral. It's amazing how much of an impact you can have on people.

As he headed toward the door, all dressed up for the funeral his phone started ringing. When he saw the name on his phone his heart dropped. Kathy.

"Hello" He said, you could hear the confusion in his voice.

"I talked to Kathleen. I heard about Olivia. I was just calling to say I'm sorry. I know how much she meant to you." Kathy said, trying to sound sympathetic. She never liked Olivia because she always thought there was something going on between her and his husband. She couldn't help but feel bad for him, though. She knew he loved Olivia.

"Thanks. I better get going to the funeral." He said hanging up his phone and putting it in his pocket.

*Olivia's Funeral*

All he could see were people crying. He couldn't comprehend what the preacher was saying because he couldn't get the fact that he was at Olivia's funeral out of his head. She was actually dead. He never thought this would happen. He always thought he would die first and he wouldn't have to go through this. This was new to him.

As everyone was leaving the funeral home, everyone was going up to the members of the squad and the Stabler family who all wound up standing in the lobby in front of the door. After everyone left they decided they would go out to dinner. Tomorrow they were burying her and they decided they should spend some time together before anything happens.

They went out to Olivia's favorite diner in memory of her. They shared stories and laughed. They never thought they would be able to laugh again. Everyone was very fond of her and she rarely fought with anyone. Why did it have to be her?

The next day they were burying her. Everyone was standing around the grave site crying. Before they lowered the casket into the ground all of the Stablers and Members of the squad put a rose on top. They cried as they lowered her into the ground and slowly walked away. Cragen was the last one to be standing there.

"You were like a daughter to me, Olivia. I would've done anything to protect you had I known what was going on. I'm sorry I didn't do more for you. Rest peacefully. And do me a favor and watch over Elliot and the squad. They could still use your help." He said, trying to force a slight grin. He couldn't do it. She was dead.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a little over a year since Olivia's death. Everyone was managing to carry on with their lives. Maureen Stabler still visited Olivia's grave every day. So did all of her siblings, keeping it from one another.

Elliot had rejoined the Special Victims Unit to take the place of Olivia. He was the only that could even come close to matching up with Olivia's skill and the only reason he could do that was because he had worked with her for so long.

Maureen was getting married, Kathleen was graduating college, Eli was entering kindergarten, and Dickie and Lizzie were going to be sophomores in college. The time flew by.

All of the SVU detectives remained in that unit. A lot of them only remained because they felt they had an obligation to her. None of the detectives were the same anymore. They were all strictly business, didn't laugh on the job like they used to. It just wasn't the same.

*SVU Squad room*

Everyone was coming in for another day of work. They all sat down, starting with their piles of paperwork. It was a normal day until they saw two men in black suits going into Cragen's office.

What could the feds want with Cragen? Rollins thought to herself as she watched them close the door and shut the shades. After about 20 minutes, the men in black suits left Cragen's office. Rollins thought that was her chance to see what was going on. She was the only one that was even close to the same person she was before Olivia died.

"Hey Cap, what was that about?" Rollins said, entering the room and sitting on the couch in front of his desk.

"You're going to think I'm crazy if I tell you what's going on. Hell, I think I might be crazy." He said looking at Rollins. She looked at him really confused.

*Back in the squad room*

"What do you thinks going on in there?" Fin said to Munch and Elliot, gesturing toward Cragen's office.

"I have no idea, we didn't do anything wrong, did we?" Munch said, giving them a nervous look.

"It wouldn't be the first time." Elliot said looking into Cragen's office to see if he could make out what they were saying.

When Cragen realized they were watching, he got up from his desk and closed the blinds.

"What the hell. Rollins never does anything wrong so I don't know why she would be the one in the office." Fin said with an angry look on his face. What was going on? And why weren't they telling them?

*Cragen's Office*

"What is it Cap?" Rollins said, looking at Cragen with a worried look.

"Olivia's alive." The Captain said getting the exact reaction he knew he would get from her.

"Wha- wha- what?" Rollins said looking like she had just seen a ghost. "Olivia's alive?"


	4. Chapter 4

"Why is she alive? She's been dead for almost a year now." Rollins said starting to think the Cap was going a little nutty.

"Right before she died, there was a hit put out on her from one of the perps she had put in Riker's. She was put into witness protection and that's why she had to fake a death. They're sending someone to go get her but I told them one of our detectives would do it. I was hoping you would. She was your partner." Cragen said wondering what was going through her head right now.

"Why didn't she say goodbye?" Rollins said, now looking a little hurt.

"She didn't have the option. This guy was really powerful and they didn't know how long before they found him that the hit had been put out. They didn't know when or where it was going to happen and she was in serious danger." The Captain said, now trying to understand himself why she hadn't said goodbye. When Alex was put into witness protection she said goodbye.

"Yes, I will go to her." Rollins said now eager to see her friend after a year.

"Here's your plane ticket. Go now." He said handing her an envelope with the ticket inside.

Rollins walked out of the precinct, head down, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. She wanted to wait until she brought Liv back to tell everyone that she was alive. Everyone in the squad room looked at her confused. Elliot immediately got up and went into the Captains office.

"What's going on with Rollins?" He said as he entered the room.

"You'll find out in a couple of days. It's not my place to tell you what's going on." He said trying to keep a straight face so Elliot didn't suspect anything. Elliot got up and left the room going to talk to his co-workers to see if they knew anything. When he got into the squad room Fin was putting the phone down with a weird look on his face.

"What the hell is going on here?" Fin said as Elliot walked up to his desk. "I just got off the phone with Rollins and she said she would be out of town for a couple of days and she would explain when she got back and then she hung up. What did you get out of the Captain?" Fin said, turning to look at Elliot.

"Same thing." Elliot said, plopping down in his chair. All of the detectives sat there trying to figure out what was going on.

"There are four of us; we got to come up with something." Amaro said, turning to look at Munch.

"I don't know what's going on but whatever it is, it's weird. I've never seen the Cap that suspicious and I've never seen Amanda that determined to go somewhere, not even when going to get a perp. something's going on and it's something big." Munch said turning to sit back at his desk.

They all sat there for a while trying to figure it out. Luckily, they didn't have any cases that came in today so they could sit there and think. By the end of the day, they had all come up with nothing. They started to pack up their things and leave. Amaro left first. Then Munch and Fin. Elliot was the last one there, as usual. He couldn't help but think about what was going on. Why would they keep it from him?


	5. Chapter 5

Amanda got off the plane in Boston, Massachusetts. She followed the directions on the sheet of paper that was given to her, along with the plane ticket. It took her about an hour to get where she was going. She saw a sign that said "Entering Holbrook". It was weird that they sent Liv here. She had never heard of the town before. I guess that was the point. She pulled into the driveway of a medium sized house in a neighborhood made up of 5 streets. It was a cute little place to live. She got out of the car and went up to knock on the door.

*In Olivia's house*

She heard the knock on the door, which was unusual because she wasn't expecting anyone. She figured it was one of her friends from work. She worked at the local high school and one of her colleagues lived right down the street. It must be her.

"One minute!" She said as she washed her hands. She had been in the middle of cooking when she heard the door.

When she opened the door her jaw dropped.

"Uh, Amanda. What are you doing here?" Olivia said with a look on her face that was total shock.

"The captain sent me to get you. The guy that ordered the hit on you died in Riker's the other day. It's safe for you to return!" Amanda said wrapping her arms tightly around Olivia. "I've missed you, Partner."

"I've missed you, too." Olivia said finally realizing what was going on. "But here's the thing… I don't know if I want to come back." She said as she pulled away from Rollins.

"What?" Rollins said, in utter shock.

"I like it here. I like my friends and I like where I work. They didn't change my name when they brought me into witness protection so I'm not hiding anything. It's just the thing that got me away from Special Victims. I've been trying to pull away but I couldn't, until I had to." Olivia said going into the kitchen to finish her meal.

"For god sakes, Olivia, everyone thought you were dead! Everyone was grieving and is still grieving. I'm the only one the Captain told until I bring you back to New York. All of your friends back in New York miss you more than you could ever know." Rollins said. You could hear the pain in her voice. She was hurt that Olivia didn't want to come back.

"I like it here. It's quiet, I'm not in as much danger, I get to work with living kids, and all my friends are great! I miss you guys too but I would much rather live here." Olivia said trying not to make eye contact.

"You are unbelievable." She said to Olivia as she headed toward the door.

"Rollins wait. Stay for dinner? We can catch up. I really did miss you." She said, giving her old friend a slight smile.

"I guess I don't have anywhere to be right now." Rollins said letting a little grin cross her face.

When dinner was ready Olivia set the table and sat down across from Rollins.

"So how is everyone?" Olivia said dying to hear what everyone had been up to.

"Good, everyone's good. Fin just got married; Munch doesn't go in the field much anymore because Cragen wants to start giving him more sergeant responsibilities. Amaro just had another little girl and Cragen is the same as always. Oh, and Elliot rejoined the unit." Amanda said purposely saving Elliot for last.

"I wish I could've been there for all that." Olivia said before realizing the last thing Amanda had said. "Elliot what?"

"He rejoined the unit. He felt that he had an obligation to you after you died and he didn't want anyone else replacing you so Cragen let him rejoin." Amanda said giving Olivia a slight smile.

"Bastard waits till I die to rejoin. Cool." Olivia said sounding a little angry.

"How have you been?" Amanda said wanting to know what Olivia had been up to.

"I'm doing great, actually. I missed SVU a lot at first but then I started teaching a criminal justice class at the local high school and I really like it. All the people I work with are great and the kids are even better. I really like it here." Olivia said putting emphasis on the fact that she liked it.

"You really don't want to come back, do you?" Amanda said as the tears started to form in her eyes. She was fighting to hold them back but she was losing that battle.

"No, I really don't think I do. It's been amazing here and I don't know if I want to leave that." Olivia said, once again avoiding eye contact.

"Okay, well I think I better get going. I'm going to be late for our… My flight. I'll call you some time." Amanda said standing up and grabbing her coat.

"Rollins. Do me a favor; don't tell the guys that I'm alive. They'll just try to make me come back and that'll make it harder." Olivia said with an empty look in her eye.

"Sure thing." Amanda said about to walk out the door. "The thing I find amazing is that you could walk away from a partnership of 12 years. I haven't known Elliot that long and I wasn't there when you two work together but from the way Munch and Fin talk about it, you guys were a lot more than partners. I just don't know how you could walk away and when you finally get the option to come back, you turn it down. Leaving is one thing because it was a matter of your safety. Not coming back? That's all on you." Amanda turned toward the door.

She was halfway out when she heard Olivia start to speak. "I don't want to come back because I'm afraid everyone would be mad at me." She said in a slight whisper. "I left without saying goodbye. They have a right to be mad at me."

"To them, right now, you're dead. I think anything beats you being dead." Amanda said retreating back inside the house and closing the door before looking at Olivia. "They just miss you."

"I know. I just can't come back yet. I need time to process things for a bit. I'm sorry." Olivia said going back into the kitchen not wanting to break down in front of her former partner.

"Bye Olivia." Rollins said leaving the house for good this time. "I can't believe that just happened. She really isn't coming back." Rollins said to herself as she got into the car a drove away.

*Rollins walked into the precinct after her flight, to go talk to Cragen*

When Cragen saw Rollins entering his office he got really excited, only to realize the look of depression on her face. "What happened?" He said to her as the smile on his face slowly faded.

"She doesn't want to come back. She likes it too much. She said she misses everyone but she likes it better there. She also asked me not to tell everyone else that she was alive. She doesn't want to be involved with them anymore. She says it's too hard." Rollins explained to her Captain. When she finished she looked up to find his eyes filled with tears.

"Do you have her cell phone number? I want to talk to her." Cragen replied, a look of plea in his eyes.

"617-789-3349." She said as she was leaving the room. When she closed the door, Cragen pulled out his cell and called Olivia.

"Hello?" She said, recognizing the New York area code.

"Hey Liv." The captain said. When she heard his voice she couldn't help but smile.

"How've you been?" She said to him, hoping he wouldn't try and talk her into coming back.

"I'm doing well. How about you?" He said knowing the real reason he was calling.

"I'm doing great. But that's not why you're calling, is it?" Olivia said. "You talked to Rollins."

"What's this about you not coming back?" He said revealing the reason he called.

"I like it here." She said hoping he didn't see right through her.

"That's not a good enough reason to keep you away. It has to be pretty big to keep you away."

"I'm afraid they'll be mad that I left without saying goodbye." She said as she sighed.

"No one will be mad at you." Cragen said knowing that everyone would be happy to see her.

"I know that someone will." She said trying to avoid Elliot's name.

"Who could be so important that they would keep you from coming back?" He said just before realizing who she was referring to. "Liv, Elliot will be happy to see you alive. He might be a little hurt, but you would too. He just wants you to be alive." He pointed out trying to reassure her.

"No, Cap. He would hate me." Olivia said trying to refrain from crying.

"Olivia, you me and everyone else know very well that Elliot Stabler could never hate you." The Captain said in disbelief. He didn't know that she actually thought he would hate her.

"I got to go." She said, knowing she had to get to work.

"Please come and visit. Then, you can tell me if you really don't want to come back." He said trying to convince her.

"Okay. I promise." She said hanging up the phone before heading out the door to go to work.

Cragen was satisfied with himself that he got her to promise to come to visit. She had never broken a promise to him and he knew she wasn't about to start now.


	6. Chapter 6

It had been three weeks since Cragen had spoken to Olivia and she still hadn't shown up. He didn't want to believe it, but maybe she just wasn't the same Olivia. Maybe her loyalties didn't lie with him anymore. It broke his heart to even think that.

"Rollins, can I talk to you for a second?" The Captain said calling out into the squad room.

"Hey Cap, what's up?" Rollins said as she shut the door behind her.

The Captain shut the blinds because he saw all of his detectives looking into the office. "Have you talked to Olivia lately?" He said trying to figure out what was going on.

"No, she stopped taking my calls. I don't know what's going on. She really doesn't want to come back, I guess. She knows everyone misses her and when she said she missed everyone, it seemed genuine. She's not herself, Cap." Rollins said now concerned about her friends state of mind.

"I have a hard time believing that she would drop all of her friends like that." Cragen said.

"What friends? She is convinced that everyone will be angry with her if she comes back because she didn't say goodbye before she left. She's willing to give up all of her friends just like that. I don't know if we were ever really friends." Rollins said, now overthinking everything.

"I'm going to tell Fin and have him go talk to her. I would tell Elliot but I don't think I should be the one to tell him. That's all on Olivia." Cragen said, walking out of his office to go get Fin. Rollins stayed in the office and waited for them. There was a knock on the side door of his office. It was Olivia.

"You wouldn't believe the looks I got walking up here. I tried to hide the best I could but that's really hard when you're supposedly dead. Where's the captain?" Olivia said as she shut the door behind her.

"Let me get him." Rollins said walking toward the door. "Cap get in here. There's someone that wants to talk to you."

When he walked in his office his jaw dropped. Then he got a look of relief on his face. She had kept her promise to him. She was still the same Olivia, deep down.

"Hey Cap." Olivia said as he closed the door so no one would know she was here.

"Hey Olivia. It's good to see you! Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" The Captain said still trying to figure everything out in his head.

"I wanted it to be a surprise. Where's the rest of the squad?" Olivia said anxious to see her friends. "I want to tell Elliot last and I need to do it by myself."

"Okay. I'll go get Munch, Fin, and Amaro." The Captain said as he left the room.

"You ready for this?" Rollins said as she rubbed Olivia's shoulders.

"I've been waiting for this for a while. I just didn't think it would actually happen." Olivia said. Rollins could feel the tension in her shoulders.

"Relax. You'll be fine. They'll be happy to see you." Rollins said trying to boost Olivia's confidence.

Just then the door opened and in walked Amaro, Munch, and Fin. They're reactions were priceless and expected.

Fin ran up and hugged her.

Amaro stood there as if he had just seen a ghost.

And Munch sat there talking about how he knew it was a conspiracy from the start and that Olivia wouldn't go down without a fight.

"Why didn't you say goodbye?" Fin said as he released his grip on her arms.

"I had no choice. They told me that I needed to leave or it would put all of you in danger too. I did what was best for everyone." Olivia said, you could see the tears forming in her eyes.

"Did anyone tell Elliot?" Munch asked.

"I need to do it alone. I'm going to go up to the cribs. Send Elliot up there." Olivia said, exiting the room.

This was it. She was finally going to see Elliot after almost two years. What is he going to do?


	7. Chapter 7

She could hear footsteps coming up the stairs. It was him. It had to be. This was it. She was finally going to see him after all this time, him thinking she was dead. How would he react?

The door opened and she saw him standing there in the doorway. It was dark so he couldn't see her.

"Hello?" He said confused as to why he was sent here and who was waiting for him.

"Hey El." Olivia said in a slight whisper.

It wasn't her. It couldn't be. She was dead. She has been dead for almost two years. What kind of sick joke is this?

"Um, who are you?" He asked because he had no idea who it was. It sounded like Olivia, but she was dead.

"El, it's me." Olivia said trying not to scare him.

"Liv?" He asked. At this point he was sure he was going crazy.

"Yeah, El. It's me. I'm here." Olivia said as she walked toward him.

It was Olivia. She was there, in person. He reached out and touched her face to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

"You're supposed to be dead. How could you let me believe that you were dead for two years! I sat there for days and cried for you. I still visit your grave every day! We were partners, Olivia! Then you cut me out of your life, but still kept in touch with my family. Then one day you are in this horrible accident and you're dead. I've never forgiven myself for letting you leave me without saying a proper goodbye. You weren't supposed to cut me off. We were supposed to stay friends and you wouldn't take my calls. I felt so guilty because I let you walk out of my life and then you died. I loved you, Olivia! I loved you. You were supposed to be there for me. Then you 'die'. What the hell?" Elliot said as he raised his voice more and more with every word.

"I'm sorry, El." She said with tears swelling in her eyes.

"Sorry is going to cut it Olivia. I have to go. I can't be here right now." He turned and headed for the door.

"Please don't go. I missed you so much. I had to leave everything behind to keep you safe. If I didn't go they would've killed you and I would never forgive myself if something happened to you because of me. I thought about you every day! How much I wanted to be with my partner, my best friend! I didn't want to leave you behind. I did it for you." Olivia said as the tears rolled down her face. Elliot came and sat beside her.

"Why didn't you say goodbye?" Elliot whispered.

"It hurt too much." Olivia said as she got up to look out the window. "I was going to and then I figured it would be easier if you thought I was dead. You wouldn't be worried about me, whether I was still alive or not. I didn't know how long I would be gone and if I was ever going to be able to come back." She said as she continued to look out the window.

"How could you do this to me?" Elliot said. When she turned to look at him, he was crying. She had never seen him cry before.

"I didn't mean to hurt you…" Olivia said as she walked up and grabbed his shoulders.

"You hurt me more than you could ever know." He said as he pushed her away and walked over to the window opposite the one she was standing at not too long ago.

His words were a stab in the heart. She didn't care if he didn't want her there. She needed to be there. She walked over to him, turned him so he was facing her, and wrapped her arms around him. He immediately wrapped his arms around her and they stood there crying into each other's shoulders.

"I'm sorry, El. Hurting you is the last thing I would ever want to do." She said as her tears soaked his shirt.

"I know. I'm sorry for blowing up. I'm just glad you're back. I missed you." He said as he rested his chin on top of her head.

"I missed you too." She said, not moving from her position.

They let go of each other just long enough for Olivia to walk over to a cot with Elliot following right behind her. He lay down on the cot and she did the same. She rested her head on his chest and wrapped her arms around him. He wrapped his arms around her and intertwined his legs with hers. She was alive.

His Olivia was alive.


	8. Chapter 8

They had been up there for hours and no one had heard from them.

"I'm going to go check on them and make sure they're okay." Fin said as he headed toward the cribs.

When he opened the door and he saw them asleep on the same cot, holding each other, he called everyone else to see this.

When Munch saw what was going on he looked at Fin and said, "You owe me 20 bucks."

"I'm so happy they're together again. I was afraid Elliot was going to be mad." Rollins said as she stayed looking at them.

Elliot woke up and looked at Liv. "Hey, Liv. Wake up sweetheart." He said not even realizing that they had an audience.

"Hey, El. How long have we been asleep?" She said as she looked up at her partner.

"I don't know but I don't really care." He explained as he looked at her and smiled.

She looked up at him and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. "I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for screwing up everything. But we're together now. I love you." She said as she looked at him with tears in her eyes. "When you said you loved me my heart dropped because you said loved instead of love. Please forgive me?"

Elliot looked into Olivia's eyes and said, "I could never stay mad at you, baby girl. I love you." He placed his hand on her cheek and kissed her. Her eyes closed at his actions and when they opened they were filled with tears.

"Why are you crying, Liv?"

"I just can't believe I was stupid enough to even think about not coming back.

Elliot got up as anger built up inside of him. Just then he realized that their friends were all standing there watching them. "How long have you guys been there?" He said as he casually walked toward the door.

"Oh I don't know, 15, 20 minutes?" Fin said giving him a small smile.

"I need to talk to Olivia alone." Elliot said shutting the door in their faces.

Then he turned around and looked at Olivia angrily as tears swelled in his eyes.

"You weren't going to come back!?"

"El-"She tried to say but he cut her off.

"You came here apologizing about leaving and you were thinking about not even coming back?" He said as the tears started to roll down his face. "What, did Cragen make you promise?"

She nodded as she started crying too.

"Of course." He said turning to look out the window.

"El, just hear me out." She said as she started to walk over to him.

"You were going to let me believe that you were dead. Wasn't two years bad enough?" He said as he started to cry even more just thinking about the thought of her dead.

She walked over to him and slipped her arms around his waist as she rested her chin on his shoulder. "I'm never going to leave you again. I promise."

He turned around and wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly. "Please don't."

She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry, El." She said knowing how much she had hurt him. She never wanted to hurt him. He was her best friend, her partner, and she loved him more than she had ever loved anyone.

"Forget about it." He said pulling away from her and going to sit on a cot. When he sat down he put his head in his hands.

Olivia tried to sit next to him to comfort him but he wanted no part of her. He didn't want her to touch him, to hold him, or to be with him.

"I screwed up. I hurt you so much and I left you with saying goodbye. What can I do to make it up to you?" She said as she turned his head so he was facing her.

"I don't know Olivia." He said as he got up and headed toward the door.

"Please don't go." She whispered.

He didn't want to look at her because he knew that if he did, he would regret it. "What do you want me to do Olivia? You hurt me more than anyone ever has. You left without even saying goodbye. You weren't going to come back even when you were cleared to. You were going to let me sit here and think that you were dead just because you didn't want to come back. You were going to let me suffer. You were supposed to be my partner and the only reason you came back is because Cragen made you promise. You didn't come back for me. You came back for Cragen and everyone else." He said as he stayed staring at the floor.

His words hit her like a bullet in the heart.

"I came back because I wanted to see you." She said as she got up and walked over to him. He refused to look at her. He didn't want her to see how hard he was crying.

"Don't lie to me Olivia." He said as he turned to look at the door.

"Olivia? Why do you keep calling me Olivia? You haven't called me that since the first day we started working together." She yelled.

"I fell in love with Liv. You're not the person I fell in love with." He said as he opened the door and left.

She stood there in shock as she watched him walk away. She wasn't sure how long she was standing there but she ran after him. He was at his car by the time she reached him.

"I didn't want to come back because I was afraid to face you. I was afraid that you would be mad at me and even hate me. I figured it would be better if you thought I was dead instead of hating me. I love you, El. I couldn't bear losing you for real. I didn't want to watch you walk out of my life because of something I did. You are my best friend. Over the 12 years we worked together I fell more and more in love with you. When you left SVU without a single goodbye, it hurt. It hurt more than you could ever understand. Me 'dying' is different than knowing you could've said goodbye but you didn't. You didn't say goodbye to me, El. You didn't talk to me at all after you left. I thought we were supposed to be best friends. I guess I wasn't more than a partner to you." She said as she turned to walk away.

He ran toward her and held her in his arms as tight as he could. "I'm so sorry Liv. Please don't hate me. I do love you. I never stopped loving you. I could never stop loving you. I'm sorry." He said as he started to pull away.

She pulled him closer and held him tighter. She buried her face in his chest to hide her tears.

"Please don't let go." She whispered just loud enough so he could hear her.

He stood there holding her, letting her cry into his chest as he rubbed her back. "I won't let you go."


	9. Chapter 9

After standing there in each other's arms for a little while, Olivia finally pulled away. When she looked at him, her face was stained with tears. Her eyes were red and puffy and she had a sad look in her eyes. As angry as he was at that moment, he couldn't leave her now.

She could see in his eyes that he didn't want to be there. 12 years of being partners, she knew him better than he knew himself.

"You can leave. I know you're angry with me." Olivia said looking down at her feet.

"You're right. I am angry with you. But I'm not going to leave you." He said once again pulling her into his warm embrace.

"I don't deserve you." She said as she tried to pull away.

"You're right. You deserve so much better." He said as he pulled back just enough to rest his forehead against hers.

"When I left without saying goodbye, I knew I was doing something wrong. I didn't want to hurt you and I figured saying goodbye would be harder. I'm not that strong." She said looking into his crystal blue eyes.

"You're stronger than I am." He said as he leaned in to hold her one more time.

"I have something I need to tell you." She said as she pulled away.

"What is it?" He said with a concerned look in his eyes.

"I have a flight back to Boston tomorrow morning." She said trying not to make eye contact. She knew it was going to make him angry.

He looked at her in disbelief. "You really changed. You say one thing and then ten minutes later you completely contradict it. I don't know what to believe." He said as he opened the door to his jeep once again.

"I'm still me, El. I'm still you're friend, you're best friend." She said as the tears started to flood back.

"I can't agree with you on that." He said as he shut the door and drove away. Olivia was left standing there. In tears as she watched her best friend drive away with her heart.

She walked back into the precinct and straight to Rollins desk.

"He hates me. I told you this would happen. He told me I've changed and I told him I was still me. That I'm still his best friend and you know what he said? He told me that he couldn't agree with me on that and then he just drove away. He sat there and held me until I stopped crying and then he just drives away. It's not my fault that I have to go back to Boston. I have a job to do there; I have a life there now. I know I shouldn't have left him but still. Why can't he accept that?" Olivia said as she paced back and forth next to Rollins' desk.

"Because he's in love with you." Rollins said as she looked up from her paperwork.

"I know. But if he's not going to accept the fact that I have a life outside of New York now, I can't be with him." Olivia said. "I rescheduled my flight for tonight. I'm leaving in an hour. Bye Rollins. Keep in touch." She explained as she picked up her jacket and left the precinct. It was a mistake going there.

*SVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVU*

It had been three months since she had gotten home from New York. She kept in touch with Cragen, Munch, Fin, Rollins, and Amaro. The only one she hadn't talked to was Elliot. It hurt her that he hadn't even bothered to call. He knew she was alive. She had given him her cellphone number. He just chose not to call.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a slight knock at the door. She wasn't expecting anyone so she got up and walked over to the door. When she looked out the window her heart dropped. What was he doing here? Why was he here?

She opened the door slowly and watched a look of relief cross his face.

"Hi." He said as a slight smile crossed his face.

"El. What are you doing here?" She said with a confused look on her face.

"I came to see you. The way we left things just wasn't right. Can I come in?" He asked her.

"Of course." She said as she stepped aside to let him pass. He made his way to the couch and sat down as if he owned the place. Even if he had never been there before, it was Olivia's house and he was always comfortable there.

"So what did you want to talk about?"

"Liv, I came here to apologize. I shouldn't have blown up like that. Will you forgive me, Liv?"

"You hurt me." She whispered as the tears fell down her face.

He leaned over and wiped her tears with his thumb as his hand caressed her face. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything I said. It was just in the moment and I didn't think before I said all that. You are my best friend, Liv. Nothing could ever change that."

Her eyes closed for a moment only to re-open, once again full of tears.

"All that stuff you said really got to me. When you said I wasn't your best friend it was like my whole world fell apart. You are the closest thing I have to family, El. When I thought I was losing you I didn't know what else to do." She said as she looked down, trying not to make eye contact.

"Hurting you was the last thing on my mind that night. I would never hurt you on purpose, Liv. You are the best thing in my life. You have been for the last 12 years. From the first day you walked into that squad room I knew I was in love with you." She could see the sincerity in his eyes. He had started to cry, so she wiped the tears from his face. She leaned over and kissed him. She knew that it was right. She had always been afraid to kiss him, afraid of ruining the relationship. She wasn't scared anymore.

She pulled away to say, "I will always love you."

He leaned back on the couch and she mimicked his motions. She rested her head on his chest and wrapped her arms around his abdomen. Her wrapped his arm around her shoulders and rested his free hand on her leg as he rubbed it. She had curled her feet under her and he put his feet up on the coffee table. This was the perfect moment.

They were both totally comfortable and in love.


End file.
